one source of passion: anger at the forced futility brought on by power hungry political elites

U2 - Miss Sarajevo Lyrics



Is there a time for keeping a distance

A time to turn your eyes away

Is there a time for keeping your head down

For getting on with your day



Is there a time for kohl and lipstick

A time for cutting hair

Is there a time for high street shopping

To find the right dress to wear



Here she comes

Heads turn around

Here she comes

To take her crown



Is there a time to walk for cover

A time for kiss and tell

Is there a time for different colors

Different names you find it hard to spell



Is there a time for first communion

A time for east 17

Is there a time to turn the mecca

Is there a time to be a beauty queen



Here she comes

Beauty plays the crown

Here she comes

Surreal in her crown



[Pavarotti]

Dici che il fiume

trova la via al mare

E come il fiume

giungerai a me

Oltre i confini

e le terre assetate

Dici che come fiume

come fiume

L'amore giunger

L'amore

E non so pi pregare

E nell'amore non so pi sperare

E quell'amore non so pi aspettare



[English translation:]



You say that the river

finds the way to the sea

And as the river

you'll come to me

Beyond the borders

and the thirsty lands

You say that as river

As river

Love will come

Love

And I cannot pray anymore

And I cannot hope in love anymore

And I cannot wait for love anymore



[Bono]

Is there a time for tying ribbons

A time for Christmas trees

Is there a time for laying tables

When the night is set to freeze

Ramblings of a scatteredly chronological godoted nature

10:57 alone on a Wed night listening to U2... reflecting on the universe. Trying to make sense of where I am... this forced halt to the onslaught of my perfectionism... this anchor that drags me backwards, which I must fight simply to remain in one place. How do I explain it? How do I make sense of it? Especially regarding Eastern Europe... why the fascination with transition. I mean yes I can answer that but seriously... there is this personal tie with it... this gut level emotional harmonization with their situation. it's something beyond educational legitimacy. My mind in this regard is that of a frustrated genius... not in the genius sense but in the sense of bottled up ideas with the inability to properly communicate them or get attention drawn to them.

11:03 same place same situation same frustration same tune... What is life? what is the purpose of education? What is the purpose of work? What is the purpose of it all? To find love? maybe... to find passion? passion and love aren't necessarily the same thing in fact they aren't... passion is that lightning bolt arching through your very soul at the thought or mention of something... that ache... that takes your breath away... love is the constant emotion which in and of itself must be cherished... I remember asking someone what their passion was as a substitute for their major... he looked at me like I was crazy... but that's how I approach my studies. I look at history and international affairs similar to how I imagine a medical reseracher approaches a unique virus... with excitement and desire to make a difference... to understand the situation... and to improve it. just as the reseracher wants to get rid of the virus, so I want to get rid of dehumanization and oppression.

11:08 and my mind is humming with the words of inspiration... with thoughts... with ideas... with passion. My cheeks turn pink as I think of those problems of those social equations, the tears threaten to start as I think of those victims of international dehumanization by state and non-state actors, by religious and political groups, by power hungry men and women, and by each other within the vaccum of oppression. hopelessness creeps in the more I think of this... is change possible? many would reply in the sheepish negatory. I spoke with a classmate today who said in response to my simple statement that a real ICC was needed that that would never happen. NEVER. wow. 21 and already so sure. how sad is that? how depressing. What is to be done?

11:12 waiting for godot. or maybe not... to be passive or not to be passive... that is the question is it not? to allow history to continue or to make it accept a new bned. How? Let's go... we can't... why not? We're waiting for godot... well why not just let him find us somewhere else? If life is hopeless then what's the harm in at least changing the view a bit. in shifting perspectives.

11:14 What's the harm in change? Why does that scare people so much and yet middle life crisis reveal that not enough change is scary as well. Therefore there must be a middle ground. Why don't people look at the middle? why do they only see the either or? a little change isn't bad... it's not instable... it's healthy. power that is subjected to a flow of some sort... 4 year term etc is already accepted as a good thing. Yet change so rattles people... to the point that they want to change it back NOW, which thus assures that less long term planning is going into the future.

11:17 and wondering what the hell im babbling on about and why I'm suddenly so exhausted. Philosophizing to one's computer is hard work... it makes you do all the thinking... simply agreeing. or is it? perhaps it's simply the watcher... the observer... like the mice.

11:18 and feeling creeped out... wanting to hide from my computer... what's that build in camera really for? :-p apple wants to take over the world don't they???

11:19 and thinking I should head towards bed and take up the problems of the world at a later date when my jaw doesn't ache from so much thoughtful gum chewing.

11:20 and all is well... or at least so it would appear

a note on bookselling and on me

goodmorning world... imagines mr rodgers bursting through the door and a little old lady hitting him over the head with a frying plan... moving swiftly on :-p so my work and school schedule is definately a bit trying but I like it. There is a sense of inner pride that I experience when I'm on campus and I look at all the rich and spoiled freshmen that makes me go... yes... this is right where I'm meant to be. And it's fun too... there are displays called endcaps which are within the section and while there are a few that are required, the majority are not. So I get to mess with them and put up what I think will sell... for example, I put up a my little pony and strawberry shortcake endcap with the little 8x8 books and some of teh sticker stories we have for it and I have no doubt that when i look at our sales for the weekend next week, I'll notice that a lot of them sold. People buy what you wave in front of their face. It's so incredibly true... ESP where kids books are concerned. They are much more hesitant with a $25 hardcover but for a few books at $3.99 each they'll totally bite, and soon their sales total is equal with buying one hardcover. But people feel more justified b/c it's always for their kids... never directly for themselves. which is rather interestinga actually. The kids section of my store has to appeal to parents and kids... at the same time. parents like teh idea of their kids learning, so baby einstien does really well, as do beginning reading books, as do abc/123 books (we just got some new ones that are also touch and feel-- and it's so cool b/c every letter has some corresponding texture to it! (yes when I was shelving I admit I became incredibly immerserd and and stood there stroking the picture of hte duck... my inner 4 year old was quite taken by it) but anyways yes so it's like a giant puzzle to solve and so far I've been solving it rather well... I've brought the sales up in the section as a whole and I plan on continuing said trajectory :-p

The other thing that is just wonderful about working is that it makes time go faster, there's less down time which right now is really a good thing for me. I'm just beginning to understand I accept that I have depression. What is depression? I mean seriously? It's something that people toss around... marvin: "I think you all should know that I'm feeling very depressed" as a set of feelings... being blue, feeling sad, etc... according to stats, it's fairlycommon for peope to go through periods up to a few months with symptoms of depression and then those who are mentally well are able to internally balance again, it's a natural part of the mind's trajectory when dealing with a tragedy, a shock, something. This happend to me-- a shock, something very painful, only I never pulled out of that depression... but of course being suzie I denied it and blamed myself for my increased desire to be alone, my fluctuating weight, my tiredness... etc. Well yeah that strategy kinda broke down... I finaly ran out of self-bullying power -- or rather I got a taste of what was really going on and lost the will to bully myself... because I don't want to be depressed to this extent 5 years from now when I hope to be nearing the pinnacle of my career, and most importantly, i want to be able to be in a healthy relationship where I can and will be there for my boyfriend just as much as he is there for me... Depression makes me see the world as a dangerous place where people just pack up and leave, often with no warning... unfortunatly that was my experience for my first 18 years and therefore as rediculous as that world seems, I can't just brush it off... I have been in a world like that and it's really hard to convince myself that this is a different one... so it's history in addition to how bad about myself I feel when I'm depressed-- the hopelessness that I'll never get better, that I'll always be differnet, that all of what I'm saying here will only serve to dissuade people from entering into friendship not to even mention a relationship with me. Nor are these fleeting thoughts... they are the product of a buildup of frustration, of grief over past lost, of anger over past hurt and the subsequent desire to never ever be vulnerable again, all of which then are looked at and hated by inner thoughts that helpfully point out that such expectations of life often can be imposed on life... that I'm successfully pushing people away so that I am alone... and I don't want to do that. I realy really don't. I just feel trapped in this equation, carrying around this load of depression-- wondering if I should tell people, why they would care, everything... I over analyze the reaction that I expect and then get freaked out and don't call... or hangout... it becomes mentally exhausting... I don't know how to let down my guard... I don't know how to explain that there are times when I really can barely keep moving, when more than anythng i want to curl up in a corner and just sleep... just make it all go away... How do I explain that? How do i tell you that I'm the same person you've always known, but I also get very depressed. How do I tell you that I'm on antidepressants... that I go to a therapist, that I've had suicidal thoughts, that I've actually edged toward a few self-destructive tendencies... how does this fit into your understanding of me... and maybe the larger question: how does this fit into my idea of myself? So i isolate myself to keep away these questions... and then get incredibly depresed whenever they seep through the barriers I've erected. But I don't think isolation is worth it. I don't want to be isolated. I enjoy hanging out with people... I honestly do. I want friends... it's just getting through all of this junk that is so daunting and painful... I didn't mean to write all of this, but once I started I figured that I just should keep going. Everything I've said is true... and if that freaks anyone out then I guess it freaks you out... imagine how freaked out I am. This isn't how I want my life to be. I don't want to have a mental "illness" ... though I know the percentages say that 80% of americans will have depression at some point... and many are undiagnosed, etc... mine had to be diagnosed... it is rather dangerous and urgent... it's something I can't hide from any longer. I don't know what life is going to look like for me .... I have my dreams.. so do most people... but at the moment I just want to be able to keep working, and going to school. to keep loving my boyfriend, and perhaps to get back in touch with a few people... the fulfillment of those four things would be enough to make me so happy. I just want to live... that's really what my desire is... to enjoy life as best I can and prove to myself that there is life with depression... that I can work through it... that it isn't destroying my life. Proving such a thing is quite exhausting... and very difficult to sustain... hopelessness creeps in quite frequently... but here I am... I'm still going... I'm still living... how does one end a post like this?
mr rodgers picks himself up off the floor, hugs the old lady and keeps on singing...

emotionally drained... and did you know the apple lights up???

so i'm typing this on my brand new MACBOOK!!! wooooohooooo yay!!!

omg I'm so exhausted. My mom and I went all over the place today and alec and I talked on and off and Im tired...

mao....maomaomaaaaaaoooooow.

sigh.
but I have a new mac!!! woooohooooo!!!

omgoodness I'm so tired
and
missing
alec
so
incredibly
much.

nothing else to write I guess...
toodles

thoughts upon waking

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you