mmmmm listening to the movie soundtrack to rent :)

Breathe!... I'm freaking out. There's just waaaay too much going on right now. Goodness gracious. Thanksgiving though was much needed. Tons and tons of fun to have Drea visit. On thursday we saw Rent-- it was so great :) then we went back home to cook food (!!! yes I cooked!) she made the chicken and I did the potatoes and that was our thanksgiving dinner. But somehow it was perfect. We then just hung out and watched friends, everyone loves raymond, and then (don't laugh) sister act, which i'd never seen before (iknow i know...)... then friday we did the whole tourist bit at my insistance mainly b/c i was like ok so you can't leave without at least seeing what makes DC DC :-p So we walked around the whitehouse, the washington monument, WW2 memorial and saw the capital and the jerfferson and lincoln memorials in a distance. Of course that was like the coldest day all week :-p Then up to Dupont for lunch... then back down to georgetown... So yeah... it was great... Definatley the best thanksgiving ever!!! Saturday I took her to the airport then went to see Goodnight and goodluck with Alec my coworker--> also a really great movie and kinda funny to realize that we were sitting there watching it in teh city where McCarthyism wreaked the most havoc... and then Sunday reality came crashing in... but as I said... only 2 1/2 more weeks and honestly at this point, what's going to happen is going to happen grade wise. I'm not going to kill myself over it. A lot of stuff is going on(of course it would happen right before finals) for me personally too... so yeah. Trying to get myself to realize that sooner or later I'm going to have to face my fears and allow someone to get close to me... and that's a rather terrifying thought :-p But I think it's time... the soon to be cliche phrase "no day but today" is rather applicable-- yet its so true. Someties I wonder what would happen if I just relaxed and let myself just "be" if it would be all that bad-- I have a vision of totally loosing all control, flunking out of school, amoung other things... but I don't know. argh!!! that's the theme isn't it? I just don't know. This post probably doesn't make any sense-- yet I guess that's b/c i really don't understand what's going on. I seriously look at myself and I'm like "enough already" seriously I just want this rollercoaster to end, I want the plexiglass shield to come crashing down-- I want to feel, to live, to "be"... to not doubt... to see the merging of the Ffaces... The question becomes can I rust anyone enough to bring them into this tangled mess with me and would they stay? or would they crush me... and find out just how much my tough exterior is a facade for the brokenness inside... These are the questions racing, tumbling, jittering through my brain as I read about Yugoslavia/ attempt to figure out what the hell a direct object is for French/ struggle through the terminology of my IPE class/ B.S. yet another diplomacy response paper... and most of all as I look at you... thoughts upon thoughts...

oh the weather outside is frightful

and inside it's not too much bettre :-p I hate christmas/ thankgiving commercials with a huch "H" ...
- they begin right around the time papers and last midterms overlap= major burnout
- always talk aboug going "home" and happy people and perfect life
- making you dream of anything different than studying 24-7 alone on a campus in the middle of the cold hearted nation's capital
-and then of course it suddenly gets cold, giving you a slight cold= making you more tired/ prone to homesickness

and yes....

I HATE THOSE DARN COMMECIALS!!! (esp walgreens-- dude enough about a town called "perfect!")

but I shall be home in less than a month making cookies, going to the gym to work off the cookies :-p , seeing drea and cam and chris and becky and dan and kevin and danielle and joe and of course my girls-- maggie, keiligh, and sadie.

but looming between me and that=

- 4 short hist response papers
-balkans paper
- french test
- hist test
- hist paper
- IPE final paper
- history final paper
- french oral final
- french written final
- PIL final
- balkans final

sooooooooo yes... i still remain scrooge like to irritating chrstimas commercials!!!

the ghost of prague past...

hmmmmm... well just got out of 20th cent euro diplomatic history... and we talked about Prague Spring.
I knew this class would come... I knew that I'd hear about it in class... yet it still was so strange. So So strange.
it wasn't that she said it wasn't a big deal...
it was just that the past kajillion times i had heard about it was from people who remembered it. From those who saw the brutality and the betrayal. I had gone out and seen where it all happened...

I know where this picture was taken. I was there. and then in class... so sterile. I miss touching that reality. I miss that. Sitting in class today-- chills down my spine... remembering all that I expereinced. Remebering the feelins of denial/ disbelief/ disconnect.

Remembering the relief of not seeing each world even in terms of American policy. At the moment I am sick of american foreign policy. I am sick of the duality. Having to take sides. I am sick of politics. Of loosing sight of the details and humanity. I miss being in a world where one looks up to things... where right and wrong diplomatically are not attached to loyalities but rather the facts... or natioanlity, or soemthing more palpable than "i'm right" ... i want to go back. So badly. so so badly. i wonder how i could? going out was fun... but i realize now how much i loved the different mental feel. The action. the possibilities. The craggly faces... eyes that had seen so much. Maybe that's what I liked the most... my pain was shared. There was no idealistic nonesense about the good of humanity. Communism divided the country-- set neighbor against neighbor, friend against friend, and even familiy member sagainst family member. That is different from when a country is nationally the victim or natioanlly the enemy-- you are still more or less (although enemy position is more complex) a solid unit. Yet the Czech expereinced-- when they told us that really there weren't clubs/ civil society... I understood. and I knew that they would have understood me.

a

l

o

n

e

the world does not understand. nor will they until they have walked a day in our shoes, weighed down by our history. felt the marginalization. the lipservice of empty promises.

the Czech republic is aethistic. Who can blame them? Who really can blame them.

help! I've fallen and I don't think I'll be able to get up

Total and utter exhaustion-- if you ever wanted to know what that felt like-- and the negative side mind you, not the positive I'm so busy I can't breathe yet I'm also having the time of my life type exhaustion, more the type where when you finally get a few minutes sleep, lying there being jolted awake every few seconds by your roomates waaaay too loud voice (not to mention laugh and --sucks for you-- she happens to be a very happy person) drifting off to sleep you suddenly think of what would happen if you got up and jumped out of the window, right there-- less than 5 feet from your bed. 10 stories up. It's been done before. no more tests, no more stupid yo-yoing body weight, and people would know...

Oxymoronical

Within me there resides
Two Ffaces of different size
The First, the most Obvious
Laughs and Jokes
Squeels and Pokes
Claiming to be Absolutely Frivolous
I like this Face
She’s Fearless
And Shameless
Is Always enjoyed by All
Much More
…than the small
-er face, the one i hate
the one who prevents that kiss to my date
she lurks
and shirks
all personal contact
gets depressed and critical to the point that
i fear one day
if she gets all the say…

So you see, Dear Boy, Dear Friend, Dear Whomever,
i can’t let you in.
i’m sorry… i am so sorry
but the larger Face can’t ever win
For as soon as the small gets wind
Of a Potential Soulmate or Dear Friend-
ship, she freaks
and worries that she’ll appear weak
and so Things get weird.

i wish they didn’t
i wish dear god she woun’t
but
here i stay
my frightened way
and why should You Bother?
Go find Someone Else and Love Her.
i’m too complex; to complicated
just Leave--- all relationships have always been ill-fated

here i’ll stay
and with e. e. cummings say,
cryptically as that leaf falling
in the stillingness of that forest,
“loneliness”

i can not escape
so it’s best that alone i remain
for to hurt You would only increase this pain.

______________________

sitting at J st. attempting to study french, have a test at 11-- only 1 1/2 hrs now to study thanks to class at 9:30...
sun begins to come up, it's warmth touching me... warming me... chasing away all thoughts/ dreams of the night.

but they will return.
haunting me... scaring me... willing me to let them take over
good morning.