lost in a fog

chain-gum chewing= painful gumness

Sooooo it's been rather a rollar coaster these past few days. I feel like someone peeled off all my skin and there I am exposed-- every wisp of breeze sends shocks of pain through hundreds of nerve endings... yes sorry-- lovely image im sure but yeah that's kinda how it's been. Parly I think I'm just rather overstressed I mean after all I really haven't had much time to just stop-- and why should I? I'm doing 15 upperlevel units and working 16 hrs a week-- and I like it-- it's just a bit much at times. That's the reason college doesn't last forever. But yeah... still feeling fragile and subsequently rather introverted. b...uuuu...tttt.... yeah what can ya do? One of my study partners in PIL's roomate is going to Prague for spring semester-- I was telling her about it and yeah-- whooosh came the memories! dude I wish I had never come back. sigh. anyways ummm should get to bed. :)... sweet dreams all .

fragile--handle with care

such labels should come in human-size--I swear there would be a market for them. Sometimes people just aren't going to treat you nicely-- and that's ok... some people will insist that whether or not you ask for photo ID, whether or not you check "thebackforyoursignaturepleasethanksyou"--- you are doing it wrong...but that's also ok. And some people will always be shocked that you weren't able to find that book by that guy and it has a green cover-- ma'am if everyone has heard of it then WHY DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE NAME OR AT LEAST WHAT IT'S ABOUT??? --- but that's even still ok. It' s alright to explain for the kajillionth time B. Dalton and Barnes and Nobles are the same company we merged about 15 years ago. That's right sir. I don't know sir what rock have you been hiding under and does your wife know? (ok last part most of the time I leave that off) and yes I didn't know the two were the same company until I was hired...STILL could they at least coordinate a varied response-- inevitably it's "Barnes and NOBLES? But Isn't this B. Dalton?" with the iplication being that maybe I was joking--maybe, just maybe I'll be like "This is B. Dalton? NO WAY!!!???" but yes, even when this exchange occurs during 75% of your transactions...that's ok too. In fact it all is manageable-- and even laughable-- except when you feel like you're dying on the inside already... then it's just an irritant. Like someone decided it would be fun to tickle a dying man's toes with a feather. And after a day of this a warning sign is needed...followed up by that police-line stuff to cordon off that corner in the witchcraft section where the idiot wanna-be gayesque kid asked me "but are they realreal witchcraft books" and I had to demonstrate their power.

more midterm madness...

Soooo... in 12 hours my first round of midterms will officially be over-- that's right-- my first was sept 26th and now it's the 12th of oct. gotta love jr year.
I'm doing better btw... went running today. Somehow it helped.
Talked to cameron tonight :) that was nice. I get to feeling so isolated at times b/c lets face it-- I'm so stressed out with work and school that I'm really not showing my social side a lot here... or at least I haven't really had time to develop it here. I dont know...anyways bottom line is that my friends are mainly on the left coast :-p makes for a strange dichotomy at times-- not really sure where I live :-p but yeah so anyways conversing was good.

I should probably get to bed.

meeehhhhhhness

the edge is paper thin

So
bombed international political econ midterm= so incredibly disgusted with myself. I feel like such a bad student. It's like I'm innerly lazy and no matter how much I try to escape it-- I'm lazy. Why do I fear being lazy??? How do I define being lazy????? I don't know. All I know is that I hate myself for it.
Will I ever get to where I want to be?
Will anything ever be enough?

Or is it all as hopeless as it feels?

The quesiton boils down to who I am... to what I value

When will my life stabilize more?

normally this is an entry i would reserve for my personal journal but I guess it's rather cleansing to get it out in "public" regardless of if it gets read/ who reads it. This is me in all my twisted mind-ness.

I think I need sleep...

____________________________________________

"Hold MeI am terrified of all things.Frightened of the dark.I am.You are
taller than a mountain.Deeper than the sea.You are.Hold me.Hold me.Take me with
you 'cause I'm lonely.I was closer to you back then.I was happier.I was.You are
fading further from me.Why don't you come home to me?Hold me.Hold me.Take me
with you 'cause I'm lonely.I am...I am...Cold.Hold Me.[solo]Hold me.Hold me.Take
me with you 'cause I'm lonely.Hold me.Hold me.Take me with you 'cause I'm
lonely.Hold me.Hold me."

Thoughts from a mind deranged by midterms

Midterm was HARD. Didn't study nearly enough to really ace it. Hoping though that I'll get a grade that won't be too bad and then will ace all other assignments. Have to keep reminding myself that its the first test of the semester and while I knew the format I didn't really "know" so... Ok relax I'm human.

Feeling rather bad about myself as of late. Realizing that I really like someone who can't really like me back and I'm not used to that. Usually I'm the one pulling the plug-- gageing it all-- ususally in the form of not really likeing the person... sooooo :-p yeah. Not going to write an annoying blog full of pointed hints b/c that's not what I'm about. In fact I bring this up just b/c it's been something that's been on my mind as of late... can I be ok with someone not being able to like me back. Can I be ok with not having a happy ending? I guess I have to be.

In other news-- left dorm at 6:15 to study this morning... Haven't done that for a while-- haven't ever tried to study that early as evidenced by cruel discovery that J-st doesn't open till 7--:( luckily Gelman starbucks opened at 6 otherwise I would have been in sad sad shape-- hooray for maple scones that I shouldn't eat yet are so comforting as of late. Anyway the city is so different at that time of the morning. Full of homeless people and delivery men... and only a few workaholics-- but the noises are quite different. Hardly any traffic. I sat outside desprately cramming and watched DC become itself-- jogggers multiplying exponentially ever 10 minutes, students, and be-suited washingtonian females (ahhhhhhhhhh!) striding ever more purposefully as the sun came up-- you could almost see the coffee hitting the bloodstream. The birds at daybreak were my favorite part. The sky was overcast and as the bell donged 7 they swooped and swirled ...

no wonder I didn't feel prepared for my midterm-- my mind was elsewhere.

--unapoligetically suzie.

yes... it is monday

said my roomate just now with a wierd look on her face.

and that sums up my life of the past week. :-p Midterms are evil yet necessary b/c if they weren't there then finals would be SOOO evil. But still...ick! have two midterms this wk-- Making of Modern Balkans tomorrow and then International Political econ.

Feeling a bit lost and nerdlike. I swear sometiems I do really feel like I have several diff personalities-- like re: what I do and all... right now I really am in school-mode which means that I study and work and work-out... and sleep occasionally. That's all I do. This semester saw grand plans to do more...but nooooo it's my jr year and therefore school-mode becomes all that more regidified. does this mean I'm a social intorvert? I don't know honeslty I seriously don't know. I thought I was but then this summer I had so much fun and it really wasn't that much of a stretch to have that much fun. I think that I just have a lot of self-control. I don't have to be going out/ having fun during the semester really. I mean yeah about the middle (in between midterms) I do get rather glassy-eyed and burned out. But really I'm able to hunker down and just study and do what I need to do. Is that a character flaw? I don't know. Am I running away from reality? I don' t think so... but again-- I don't know. Really this is just how I am. And I'm not studying just to study-- I'm studying to graduate summa cum laude. and yeah while that doesn't mean you're glued to a desk studying if you think about it-- I do have about 16 hours a week where I'm not studying... but I am working. So I mean I don't know... I htink I do have a lot going on. But I never feel like I do. I always feel like I'm not working hard enough. Like there's something I'm missing. I guess that would be the social aspects-- and that's a good sign I'm hoping b/c that means that even when I hunker down I realize that it's at the sacrifice of soemthing else-- socialness meaning that I do have social skills...
god I'm soooo tired.


sorry this blog has basically been a brain dump--
behold the self-questioning that collegiate life drives one to.